Killer Smile

Excuses, Excuses

So it’s been quite a long time since I’ve written anything, and I feel particularly bad about it since I keep saying that I’ll be coming back with writing.  But it’s okay, because I’ve been failing at just about every count of life. 

I haven’t been able to write much, and the stuff that I have written I wouldn’t show anyone [it scares me more than it would scare you, but I’m still not all that comfortable with it yet].

I finished Middlesex.  It was really good, though the last parts of the book seemed exceedingly unrealistic.  I’d still recommend it, though.  The narrator is really interesting, and the character’s change is amazing.

I’m half way through Harry Potter 4 for the third or fourth time.  It’s good, duh.

I’ve been spending less time online.  Less time on YouTube and Facebook and the Ning.  It shouldn’t concern me, I should think it’s a good thing, but I’m afraid that when I get back to RL I won’t really have the I.  I’ll just be watching.  After experiencing such a year of true internet addiction, I’m kind of starting to notice what an effect it’s had on me.  People don’t really know me the way I thought they did, nor do they identify with me in the same way.  They always talk of having no time but I don’t believe them.  They could have time if they wanted to; if they tried hard enough.  Maybe it’s all just an excuse to not talk to me.

And that’s really what it all comes down to.  I haven’t spoken to many people, mostly just the same ones over and over.  I’m losing touch with the people who matter most to me and I’m realizing, as if for the first time, that they never really cared, even though it’s always crossed my mind.  But now it’s hitting, and it’s hitting kind of hard.  It’ll take work to not feel the compulsion to talk to people who want nothing to do with me.  I’m terrified of it; have been for years.  More than ever I miss school.  At least it kept me busy and my mind occupied.  The routine was nice.  It was constant.  When things were out of wack I could worry about them and TELL someone I was worrying.  During the school year, you know for sure that you’re going to see people again.  The summer never grants these positives. 

So I guess I’ll just spend the next few weeks waiting for Stanford.  Hopefully that will give me the routine that I need to keep my mind going and keep my attention off of the people that I care about more than anything in the world.  Maybe it will make this change hurt a bit less, but I don’t think it will.  I feel like this change has been going non-stop since I graduated elementary school, a whole five years ago.  I’m still trying to find a good crowd, a  great group of people who share my interests and obsessions.  We’ll see what happens.

And yeah, this will still end with a smile.



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