Killer Smile

I’m Aware, Just Not Participating

Today was a giant mix of emotions.  This morning: hungry, late, tired.  Glad I’d done all my homework the night before.  School was alright.  I’m stuck on editing in film, I can’t get past my title even though there’s a shitload more than that left.  Two more days til break!  Thank God.  I paid attention in history and spanish (God knows I need it . . . this may sound really nerdy and selfish of me but I don’t want to get another B in Spanish ever again.  I can do better than that).

Then it was skating, which was killer with lots of smiles :D  I fell 3 times, which hurt like a bitch but that’s okay.  I haven’t been skating in a long time, it was something new.  I’m going skiing for the first time in February, which should be exciting.  Back to today though.  I got overpriced nachos that were okay but not the greatest, and my skates were a size too small I think but I delt with it.  I still have to do my history homework . . . shit . . .

 Then I went to a SMAC meeting (Student Movement Against Cancer), and it was intense.  It turned out that my advisor had to deal with cancer when she was 16 . . . so much more than I could ever imagine having to deal with.  And at the time she was talking about it, it was so surreal, so scary and stuff, and now it kinda feels that way too, but in that middle in between time?  I don’t know.  They say that everyone is effected by cancer, whether they’re survivors, or are currently at war with it, or know someone firsthand who had/has to deal with it.  And I listen to that speech all the time (okay maybe it isn’t a speech but that’s besides the point) and . . . it doesn’t effect me.  At least not the way I feel like it should.  My grandmother died of lung cancer about . . . three or four years ago, but for me?  It was just death.  I feel horrible about all of this.  I know how awful cancer is to have and to fight with and to make it through is a miracle but I was thinking about how it didn’t really provoke any emotion in me.  It’s the death that gets me, really, and even then it’s because it’s death, not because it’s cancer-death.  And I feel so guilty about it,  you know?  I mean . . . there are lots of survivor stories, and lots of death stories.  We hear them all.  I feel like I’m immune to them, and I don’t want to be.  I want to be passionate about all of it but I’m not and it makes me feel weird and awkward.  *sigh*  Oh the oddities of life. 

Enough depressing complaining for today though.  I have to do my history homework before midnight, though there’s a fat chance of that.  Tomorrow is Beacon Ink (I need something like five submissions . . . shit) and the last chapter of James Potter and the Hall of Elder’s Crossing!  Whoot!  (


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